The Big D

Disappointment that is.

Negative Nellie post coming up! You've been warned!

I finished taking the Provera last Friday. I was expecting to start my period within 2-3 days, but I didn't start until this morning. I was actually relieved because that meant day 3 would fall on Friday when I'm working 8 hours in education and I could stop by the office before going to work. That way I wouldn't have to leave work and worry about someone holding my stuff. So, I called the Dr. Butler's office to let the nurse know I had started and to make sure I needed to come in on Friday. She was looking at the calendar and told me that the embryologist who's responsible for the sperm part of the insemination would be out of the office the week I would be due for the insemination, so they weren't scheduling any procedures. I had two options:

1.  Proceed with the injections and when it would normally be time for the insemination, we could try on our own

2.  Wait another month

*insert silence on my end of the phone call here*

I tried my very best to hold it together and not cry, but that wasn't happening. I'm sure she's used to emotional women on the phone, but I was really trying to be strong. Nope. I mean, I was just CRUSHED. I really didn't know what to say. She said I didn't have to decide today, but I'm thinking, "Is there really more than one option?" We can't afford to do the injections and then it not work because we didn't do the insemination. Some people actually only do the injections and then do the rest on their own. If insurance paid for it or we were loaded, maybe. But shelling out thousands of dollars and then not do everything in our power to increase our chances of it working is just not an option for us.

I mentioned how there were cysts present on the ultrasound I had two weeks ago and asked would they possibly still be there. She said they more than likely would and I'd have to go on birth control to make them go away like I did before we got pregnant with Amelia. I was sort of expecting this, but definitely not expecting being delayed because of scheduling.  So now the plan is to start taking birth control tonight. I'll take it for 28 days, wait for my period to start, then go in on day 3 as planned. But we all know what happens to best-laid plans...

I was in the office with my supervisor when I was on the phone and being the awesome person she is, she let me cry and listened and hugged me and helped me suck it up because I had to.

I know things will work out like they're supposed to and when they're supposed to. But patience is not one of my finest qualities. If this process teaches me anything, it's patience. And faith.

Pray that faith helps me to have patience.

Paralysis By Analysis

I heard this term today and I immediately said, "That is so me. To a T." I will analyze something from every angle until there's nothing left. Nothing left of my sanity either. I will always find something to worry about even after being reassured that everything will work out. And it always does. I just can't help it.

As I've said before, this process is one of the most nerve-wracking things I've ever gone through. The only thing I can control is taking the medication I'm currently on (which I'll get to) and giving myself the injections when it's time to. Everything else is up to my body. The same body that can't act right and get pregnant on its own. So maybe it's understandable why I'd worry about every little thing. I just have to trust that things will work out like they're supposed to and roll with the punches. Yikes!

I went to Dr. Butler's office last Wednesday to have an ultrasound and lab work, including a pregnancy test. When the nurse was doing the ultrasound, she mentioned how thick my uterine lining was and I needed to have a cycle (it was day 30). She also showed me how both ovaries have multiple cysts on them. She said they looked polycystic and when I mentioned how Dr. Butler had told me before I didn't have that, she said that the cysts come and go and it would depend on when in my cycle he looked at my ovaries. So I guess that means that my first and second surgeries were done at the time when no cysts are present. Having polycystic ovaries makes sense because I was told about 12 years ago that I had it and I have other symptoms of it, including acne, facial hair, weight gain, etc. So, I guess we'll deal with that when we have to.

But for right now, I'm taking Provera to bring on my period. I started taking it last Wednesday night and will stop taking it this Friday. My period should start 2-3 days after stopping it and then I'll go into the office on day 3 of my cycle for my baseline ultrasound. My concern is that the cysts will still be there and I won't be able to start the injections for another month. I did some research online to see if Provera, which is a contraceptive, would make cysts disappear. From what I've found so far, it doesn't. :-( I've considered calling the office to ask Cynthia or Dee if it would, but I've decided against it because there's nothing I can do about it either way. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Yikes again!

I should know something by this time next week, so I'll update then. Until then, we have fun plans to be on the lake this weekend to celebrate Memorial Day!

Some good news...

Thomas and I went to Dr. Butler's office this past Friday for an "injections class" for me to learn how to give myself the injections when it's time. My medications came in the mail early last week and my insurance actually paid for one of them! Whoo! This class was mostly a refresher since not much has changed, but I was reminded of the whole process and why and how each medication works. When I told the nurse, Dee, that day 35 of my cycle would be May 19th (a week from today), she said I could start earlier if I wanted to, as long as it was at least 28 days. Yay!

So I'm going in on Wednesday morning for an ultrasound, pregnancy test, and some other labs to make sure I'm not pregnant and that everything looks okay. If I'm not pregnant (and I doubt I will be), I'll start a medication that night and take it for 10 days. My period should start 2-3 days after stopping the med. Once my period starts, I'll go in to the office for a baseline ultrasound to make sure everything looks okay to begin the injections. I'm hoping we don't have a repeat of last time, where the presence of a cyst on my ovary would prevent us from starting the injections this month. I'd have to take birth control to make the cyst go away and wait until my cycle started again. I'm just ready to get this show on the road and I have absolutely no control over it! Dee kind of burst my bubble a bit in the office the other day when she said sometimes the second baby is harder to come by for some reason. Great. Just what I need to hear! But, she's hopeful that since we had success on the first try last time, we'll have it again.

That's all I know for now! Luckily, I have several things going on over the next few weeks to keep my mind occupied. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't want to wish my life away, but I'm ready for this to happen!

Let the countdown begin...

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Butler this past Wednesday. He showed me the pictures he took during my surgery, which were unremarkable. Except it was pretty neat to see what my non-functioning ovaries look like. My question to him was: since there was no endometriosis, why am I having 60+ day cycles? He said it's an ovulation issue which was moot at this point because we're going to take care of that with the COHS procedure (Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation).

So, here's the plan:

1. Order my medications so I'll have them when it's time to use them.
2. Attend the injections class at the doctor's office to refresh my memory how to use them appropriately.
3. Wait for my period to start. If it doesn't start by day 35, they will give me something to make it start. 
4. Once it does, I'll go into the office on day 3 of my period for a baseline ultrasound and blood work.
5. I'll get a call from the nurse that afternoon to tell me how much medicine to inject that night. 
6. I'll return to the office every couple of days for another ultrasound and blood work to see if a follicle is developing.
7. If it is, I'll adjust the amount of medication I inject each time.
8. When the follicle is mature, I'll do one last injection 2 nights before the insemination procedure.
9. On the day of the procedure, I'll go in to the doctor's office, have the procedure, and resume my normal activity a few hours later. 
10. Then I wait for 2 weeks and hope for a missed period and a positive pregnancy test.

If you know me in real life, you know I'm a planner. I'm OCD that way and I can't help it. This whole procedure kind of takes everything out of your hands and that makes me very nervous. Depending on when I'll have to go in for my ultrasounds, I may have to leave work and have someone hold my stuff. That stresses me out because I don't want to put anyone out while doing this. We were lucky enough to both be off work the day of the procedure last time, so I'm worried that we won't be this time and that stresses me out. I know things will work out and I have to keep telling myself that. So, if you're inclined to pray, please pray for me to have peace and understanding. And for the doctor and his staff to continue in their skilled practice. 

Say what now?

Well, the day has come and gone. The BIG surgery day. I spent all day last Wednesday (pre-op day) in an epic sprint combined with a full liquid diet. Here was my schedule that day:

9:30 AM   Pre-op at Dr. Butler's

(Signed my consent, got my post-op instructions and my very important Lortab prescription)

9:55 AM   Shopping for an Easter dress at Dress Barn

(literally standing outside before they unlock the doors in the freezing wind because I have places to be people!)

11:00 AM   Pre-op appointment at the hospital

(After waiting an HOUR, answering questions, getting blood drawn, EKG)

1:00 PM   Employee Health appointment

(Yearly physical for work, TB test)

2:15 PM   Drop-in CPR

(Yearly requirement to show I know how to save people's lives)

4:00 PM   Stop by Walmart to get my glasses adjusted

(I knew I would be wearing them for a large part of Thursday and they wouldn't stay on my face. I've always wanted the rimless glasses and I finally have them. NEVER AGAIN. They are constantly needing adjustment!)

4:30 PM   Pedicures with my Mama!

(Much-needed for the viewing pleasure of my toes for the general public and some quick relaxation)

6:00 PM   Hair appointment

(Cut and color with my fabulous Jenny!)

7:30 PM   Shopping at Target

(I needed some things for Amelia's Easter basket)

8:45 PM   FINALLY HOME

Even though I was crazy busy, it kept my mind off of being hungry (somewhat). I did have my trusty cooler in the car filled to the brim with Gatorade and Jello! I also had some chicken broth during the day which kinda sorta hit the spot because it was warm and something different. 

Dr. Butler had told me at his office to be at the hospital at 10 AM. REALLY MAN? I've got to go that much longer without eating?! Thomas dropped Amelia off at the babysitter's that morning and then we headed to the hospital. My mom and dad met us there and they called me back around 10:30. The nurse started my IV and after awhile, Drs. Hawkins and Butler and anesthesia came to see me. The same anesthesiologist put me to sleep last time and when I told him that and how I'd done this surgery before, he said, "Same song, different verse." I told him about how that was the title of my most recent blog post.

The OR nurse came to get me shortly thereafter and wheeled me back to the OR. I remember getting up on the table, them strapping my arms down and putting my SCDs (sleeves on my legs to prevent blood clots) and leads on my chest. The nurse told me she was giving me some happy juice and the next thing I knew, the recovery room nurse was asking me my pain scale (which was 7 for those of you concerned). I ended up with 3 doses of Dilaudid and some wonderful Sprite. My co-workers, Pam and Francine, came by to see me and I kinda remember what we talked about. At one point I remember being nice and relaxed and someone came by my bed and tapped my foot telling me to take some deep breaths because my oxygen was dropping (87-88%). So I did my pursed lip breathing and was on the nurse like white on rice every few minutes asking what my sat was. I'm not really sure how long I was in recovery, but the nurse eventually gave Thomas my discharge instructions and we got to leave.

But here's where the "say what now?" comes in. When I was coherent enough to ask Thomas what Dr. Butler found, he said, "Nothing. They didn't find anything. No endometriosis." Excuse me? So I've been having 60+ day cycles for no reason? Even 6 days out from surgery, I'm still dumbfounded by that. But, we have our post-op appointment next Wednesday to discuss the non-findings and what our next step is.

I dozed on the couch for the rest of the day Thursday and slept on the couch that night. I did not want a repeat of the gas pains I had last time, so I slept on an incline and didn't have any problems. Hallelujah! Thomas had to go to work on Friday, but my mom was here and took good care of me, of course. I had already planned to go down to her house in Perry on Friday and spend the weekend and go to church with them on Sunday. We had to stop by Employee Health (for 30 seconds) to have my TB test read. Nine years down and still negative! Whoo! I felt really good on Saturday, so much that I went clothes shopping. We had cooking to do Saturday evening and I felt good the whole time. Sunday was great: went to church, had lunch at Char's, and the Easter egg hunt. Then Monday came and I felt like C.R.A.P. I had no energy despite the fact that I had slept most of the day. I was supposed to go back to work Tuesday, but I had to call in because there was no way I could function for 12 hours the way I was feeling. 

The nurse at Dr. Butler's office, Cynthia, and I finally stopped playing phone tag on Tuesday morning and when I described how I was feeling and what I had done Sunday, she said it sounded like I had overdone it and my body was telling me to slow down. It made sense, but I did all those things Sunday because I felt so good! She was able to give me a work excuse through Friday, so I'm out of work until next Monday. I really did not anticipate it hitting me like that, but it did. So...I've been resting the past two days and trying not to do anything too strenuous. 

That's all for now! I'll post more after our appointment next Wednesday!

Lauren

Same Song, Different Verse

Have you missed me, world? 

I can't believe it's been almost 3 years since I've posted on this blog. I'll admit, life has gotten in my way. Between my paid job of being a Respiratory Therapist and my non-paid, but oh-so-much-more important and challenging job of being a wife and mother, there hasn't been time to do much else.

Here's a quick run-down of what we've been up to since I last posted in April 2011...

Jessica Villemain Photography

Amelia is now 3 going on 30. She is a very strong-willed and independent little girl. She keeps us on our toes and challenges us on a daily basis. She is also one of the sweetest little girls I've ever met. Yes, I may be biased, but she can be quite sweet. Especially when it comes to giving kisses and hugs and taking care of her many babies. Just when I don't think it's possible to love her any more than I already do, my heart grows even more. Some nights after she's gone to bed and we're sitting in the rarity that's known as peace and quiet, I want to go wake her up and tell her I love her. And smart? Good grief is she smart! She'll say something and I'll wonder where in the world she got it from. She's definitely a sponge and loves learning new things. She loves to read and practice her numbers, colors, and shapes. She loves to help cook and clean and just about anything else you'll let her do. She's going to First Baptist Preschool two days a week and she loves her class and teachers. She'll be going three days a week in the Fall and will hopefully love it just as much.

Thomas and I are still busy working and parenting! We celebrated our 7th anniversary back in January and we took a cruise to the Western Caribbean on Norwegian Cruise Lines. My parents kept Amelia for the week and we missed her something awful! We had a great time visiting places we've never been and enjoying each other's company--something we haven't been able to do as much of lately!

So, that brings us up to speed I think.

Many married people will tell you that as soon as they finish walking down the aisle as a newly married couple, people start asking when they're going to have children. And when they have a child, the same people are asking when they're going to have another one as soon as the first one comes out. We got the same types of questions, of course, but we were nowhere near ready to have another child probably up until about a year ago. I can't speak for Thomas on this, but I was just too selfish and didn't want to share my time with anyone else. I wanted to give Amelia my undivided parental attention and I enjoyed being with just her. Also, parenting is H.A.R.D. Kudos to those that have their kids in rapid succession. Some say it's easier if they're in diapers at the same time, going through similar milestones, etc. But I just couldn't imagine trying to parent two children when one is so challenging. About this time last year, we started talking about having another child. I was taking some medication at the time that I had to be off of for six months before trying to get pregnant. So I decided I would stop taking it at the beginning of June and I would stop my birth control at the end of December. (As you probably know, I'm a planner!) Our plan was to start trying after the first of the year.

After Amelia was born, I asked my Ob/Gyn, Dr. Harper, if he thought I would have the same trouble the next time I wanted to get pregnant. (In case you need a refresher of what we had to do last time, go here, here, here, and here) He said he didn't think we would have any trouble because I was able to get pregnant, deliver at term, and breastfeed. Those are the best treatments for endometriosis. So, I was hopeful that was going to be the case. Not so much. I ended up stopping birth control at the end of October and my first cycle was 45 days long. Then 57 days. Then 66 days. And currently 62 days. My period doesn't last that long (thank goodness!), that's just the time from the beginning of one period to the beginning of the next. When I saw Dr. Harper back in February for my yearly physical, I asked him if I could be ovulating with such irregular cycles. He said I could be, but it would be very sporadic and the eggs would be of suboptimal condition. (Thoughts from me: what the HECK does that mean?!?) He said we could try Clomid for a few months, but he could also go ahead and refer me to Dr. Butler (Reproductive Endocrinologist/Infertility Doctor) and get the ball rolling since we had success last time. I opted to go ahead with the referral since Dr. Butler may try the Clomid anyway.

We saw Dr. Butler on March 19th and while I was hoping not to have to go this route, it was nice to see the familiar faces of the nurses and doctor who helped us last time. We had to update our medical history and I had to have an always fun vaginal ultrasound. After that, we met with Dr. Butler in his office to discuss our options. He said we had 2 options:

1. Go ahead with the injections and insemination without surgery since I'm right on the cusp of my previous pregnancy being the right treatment for endometriosis (it's usually good for 2-4 years).

2. Have surgery (laparoscopy) to remove any endometriosis that may have reaccumulated. Then proceed with the injections and insemination like before.

We opted for surgery first because insurance doesn't pay for the injections and insemination procedure and we didn't want to waste our time and money if it doesn't work because of endometriosis.

So...VERY long story short, I'm having surgery next Thursday, April 17th. The plan is to wait for my next cycle to occur after that and then begin the journey of injections and insemination and hope it works the first time like it did last time. We covet your prayers that everything goes smoothly with the surgery and everything goes like it should from here on out.

I'd like to keep the blog up-to-date like I did last time, but I didn't have a 3 year old and I wasn't working 4 days a week then! And it's taken me about 3 weeks to put this post together! So, I'll do my very best!

Until then....think baby thoughts!

Lauren

L.O.V.E.

Who knew you could love a person so completely
and that the love would be all-consuming?


Every time I look at Amelia, my heart swells with joy. It's amazing to think that this miracle came from my body, and despite my imperfections, she is perfect in every way. Being able to watch her grow every day is a privilege that I don't take for granted. It's funny how much your priorities change once you have a child. For example, when I came home from work pre-baby, it was a race against the clock to eat dinner, iron my scrubs, get ready for the next day, and get in bed before 9:30 so I could get enough sleep (which isn't really possible when you work 12-hour shifts). But now, what time I get in bed doesn't really matter as long as I get to spend time with my girl. Even though I don't get home from work until after 7:30, we have established a bedtime routine and it seems to be working for us. When I get home, I don't touch Amelia until after I've had a shower (which is so hard because all I want to do is hold her after being gone for 12 hours!), but I also don't want to expose her to God knows what germs that are on my clothes. After my shower, we have a little bit of play time until around 8:30 when she gets her bedtime bottle. Once she finishes her bottle, she digests a little and gets Daddy time while I eat dinner. She then goes down to sleep around 9:15 or 9:30. She's slept in her crib since day 1, so luckily we haven't had a hard time getting her to sleep in her crib. And we've been just laying her down for a while now, so she usually goes right to sleep. Some nights, she talks to herself a little and on the rare occasion that she does fuss, it only lasts a few minutes and we don't have to do anything.

I started writing this post about a month and a half ago, but as any parent knows, projects often go unfinished due to the daily happenings in the house. Amelia is just waking up from her afternoon nap and as I write, I can hear Thomas talking to her as he changes her diaper. He likes to turn the radio on while he's changing her, so he also intersperses some singing into his changing routine. Watching my husband with our daughter is something I will never tire of. The way she looks at him makes my heart smile. When he carries her, she just looks up at him like he's her hero. Amazing.

Amelia is 6 months now, almost 7. I cannot believe more than half a year has passed since she was born. I know time will only pass by faster as she gets older. It's bittersweet to watch her reach milestones. We had to take out the car seat insert recently because it was pushing her shoulders forward. She's almost sitting up on her own. We just put 2 bins of clothes she's outgrown in the attic. She's learning how to use a sippy cup. At her 6 month check-up, she weighed 16 pounds, 15 ounces (65th percentile) and was 26.5 inches long (75th percentile). She loves peaches, mangoes, bananas, pears, apples, prunes, sweet potatoes, carrots and tolerates peas and green beans. She hasn't hated anything to the point where she absolutely won't eat it, so hopefully we won't have a picky eater!! Unfortunately, we've had reflux issues and after starting her on Neutramigen formula from week 1 and then having to start on Zantac plus adding rice to her bottles, we've finally settled on Prevacid and it seems to be working well. She still spits up, but it's not like 20 times a day and it's usually not huge amounts. She was never to the point where she wasn't gaining weight, so Dr. Vernon wasn't too worried about it. He says she'll grow out of it eventually. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later!

The breastfeeding and pumping has come to an end. My goal was to nurse her until at least 6 months and I accomplished that, so I guess it's not as sad as it could be. After I went back to work, I was usually able to pump twice at work, nurse her when I got home, and then pump before I went to work in the morning. There was one night in February where she wouldn't nurse when I got home from work. I was devastated. I thought surely she was finished for good. And it seriously felt like the end of a relationship. Like I had broken up with someone. Those were the types of emotions I was feeling. But she ended her nursing strike and we went back to our normal routine for another month and a half. It's been a few weeks now since she last nursed and probably about 2 since I last pumped. I don't regret going to all the trouble of pumping at work (and believe me it was a chore!), but I'm glad that part is over. Luckily, I had a pretty good supply in the freezer, so she's still getting breast milk in her bottles for awhile.

Well, it's been about 3 hours since I wrote the part about her waking up from her afternoon nap, and now she's just finished getting her bedtime bottle. She'll be going to bed soon and dreaming her sweet dreams. I'll be right behind her dreaming of my sweet girl and how blessed I am that she is in our lives....

Sweet dreams my love....
Kate Brusack's Photography