Well, that's interesting...

The last we left off, I was dealing with not being able to have the insemination. I didn't cry any after my last post and I was able to enjoy what was left of my vacation. I don't think I mentioned it in my previous posts, but we were actually on vacation while all of that transpired. I was so relieved that everything had fallen into place and was going to happen while we were on vacation so I didn't have to worry about leaving work for appointments. My parents had rented a lake house about an hour and a half from our house, so I was able to drive to Macon for each of my appointments.

I had to go back to work the following Monday and worked through Thursday so that I could have Friday-Monday off at the lake. We had a great time and enjoyed being on the water. On Friday, it looked like I was about to start my period. I was disappointed, of course, but I was also expecting it. On the positive side, that Friday was day 28 of my cycle, so it meant that my body was actually acting like it was supposed to. But it didn't come. And Tuesday would have been the day I took a pregnancy test if I hadn't started yet if we had done the insemination.

I had to work on Tuesday and I came home to an empty house because Thomas and Amelia were still at the lake. I took the test and busied myself with laundry while it processed. I went back to look at this is what it said...

I was shaking and had to keep looking at it to make sure it was real. I texted Thomas a picture of it and told him to call me ASAP. He didn't call me after about 30 seconds (impatient? Yes!), so I called my mom and asked to speak to Thomas. I told him to look at his phone and call me right back. He did and his first words were, "See? We don't need them!" We talked for a few more minutes and he said, "So can we tell your mom now?" I said yes but only if I could tell her. So I FaceTimed her and showed her the result. Needless to say, she was ecstatic. I made a few more phone calls and was actually able to go to sleep that night. I called the doctor's office the next day to see if I needed to come in for blood work and they scheduled me to come in on Thursday morning. My hCG level on Thursday was 206. I had to go back on Saturday to make sure the level was still going up. The nurse said they were looking for it to go up by at least 60%. When she called me later, my result was 577. Whoo hoo! Then we scheduled my first ultrasound for August 13th.

I'm writing this on August 11th and I am 7 weeks, 1 day. Several people have said they think I'm having twins, but we shall see on Wednesday! I am so ready to see a heartbeat and hear that things are looking good. I have felt really awful for the past few days and I didn't have this kind of nausea with Amelia. I've only thrown up a few times and it's been when I brush my teeth. I know each pregnancy is different, but this one is kicking my butt!

So, here's to a great heartbeat and great check-up on Wednesday!

A New Definition

I just thought I knew what disappointment was. I've been putting off writing this post for a few days now because it's a really hard one to write. And I haven't been in the best place emotionally to write it. I feel better today, so I think I'll give it a shot. Oh, and TMI WARNING!

Things were perfectly set up for us to have the insemination procedure on Tuesday morning. I gave myself the last Follistim injection on Saturday night and the Ovidrel injection on Sunday night. We had to be at the doctor's office at 9:30 on Tuesday morning with Thomas' sample. We dropped it off with the doctor in charge of getting it ready and went to breakfast at Panera Bread. We had to be back at 10:30 (36 hours from the time I took the Ovidrel...which causes you to ovulate). After sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes, Dr. Hawkins (Dr. Butler's newish partner) called us into her office. When we sat down, she said we had been presented with an unexpected challenge. I may have stopped breathing at this point. It turns out Thomas' sperm count was really, really low. Low enough that she didn't recommend doing the insemination procedure because it probably wouldn't work. I can't really remember what his actual count was, but it was a lot lower than it had been in 2010 when we got pregnant with Amelia. He hadn't been retested because the nurse said sperm counts don't usually fluctuate too much. False, apparently. The doctor asked Thomas several questions about his recent behavior (i.e. work out supplements, illness, fever, etc.) and they were all no. She recommended having another semen analysis in six weeks (!) and if the counts were still low, we would do more testing. She said since I had two good looking follicles, we could try on our own and hope for the best. She also said she could do the procedure, but she didn't feel it was good medicine to not tell us the poor odds and charge us for a procedure that may not work. So that means after the repeat analysis in six weeks and if everything looks okay, I'll have to do another round of injections. And another round of ultrasounds every few days. And possibly another month of birth control if the cysts come back.

Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED. I was trying really hard not to completely lose it in her office. Thomas asked if we could have a minute and she took us to another room so we could be alone. Except she took us to the room where the insemination would have taken place. I remember it from last time. She may not have thought about it, but good Lord. As soon as the door shut, the chest-heaving sobs started. We talked for a minute about when we could schedule the analysis and while he was at the desk making the appointment, I walked out of the office with my sunglasses on for fear of making eye contact with anyone. Especially the receptionist who just an hour earlier asked if we were excited and how she was excited for us. Once I got in the car, I called my mom and the full-on meltdown started. Chest-heaving sobs, huge tears, snotty nose. The Works. We talked for a few minutes...more like me crying, she was trying to console me. When we got back to the house, I got in the bed and slept for probably four hours. Sleeping doesn't require thoughts. When I got up, I tried to put a brave face on for Amelia, but it wasn't really working. She knew something was wrong and she kept trying to make me feel better. Bless her. I moped and cried for the rest of the night and woke up that way, too. I was pretty miserable yesterday and cried A LOT. I don't know how I had any tears left. I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. Pretty much everything reminded me that we weren't able to have the procedure. My mom said at one point, "I know you feel like something has died." And that's exactly how I felt. True, I wasn't pregnant yet and hadn't had a miscarriage, but we were so close. Two mature follicles and they were just going to die and be swept away. I know that probably sounds extreme, but that's how I felt.

I'm better today. I've been more active today and I've laughed. I haven't cried at all. Yet. I hope not to, but there's always the chance that something will make me. For now, I just have to be patient (again) and know that there's a bigger plan and it's all eventually going to fall into place. It is just SO HARD to accept that sometimes when you feel like everything has finally fallen into place and then it just slips away. So again, I'm asking for prayers for patience. Thanks for them and all the others you may have sent our way!

It's About That Time

Things looked great at Dr. Butler's office yesterday morning. Both of the follicles were continuing to grow and my uterine lining was nice and thick. Yay body for responding appropriately! As I was getting ready to leave, the nurse said, "You know, with two follicles coming down, there is that risk." As in risk for twins. I know this risk, but still. She said it's unlikely, but she wanted me to know it's a possibility. Yikes! Thomas is convinced we're having twins, but I really don't think that's going to happen. However, there was only one follicle when Amelia was conceived. So, we'll see.

When she called me later, she told me to take one more night of Follistim and to give myself the Ovidrel injection (which makes me ovulate 36 hours later) at 10:30 on Sunday night. We have to be at the office at 9:30 on Tuesday morning with Thomas' sample and return at 10:30 for the procedure. And then wait 2 weeks to take a pregnancy test!

You're Looking Good, Tiny Follicles!

I went back to Dr. Butler's office yesterday morning and I was pretty nervous that things were still slow-going. The follicles on the left ovary are still slow, but there were two of good size on the right ovary. One measuring about 10 mm and the other measuring about 14 mm. When the nurse called me yesterday afternoon, she told me my estrogen level had gone from 77 to 130 which "is wonderful." They had me increase my dose slightly to hopefully encourage one more follicle to grow and I have to go back tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be continued growth and we're getting closer to the insemination!

The Waiting Game

I went to Dr. Butler's office this morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork to see how things are progressing. The follicles are still developing slowly and there are still a lot on my ovaries. My lining is thickening, which is good because my estrogen level had dropped on Friday and a thick lining means that level is going up. The problem with a lot of follicles is that as we continue to stimulate them, they will continue to grow. Growth is a good thing, of course, but we don't want all of them to grow. If they do, I'll end up with like 800 babies in there. Not really that many, but enough to make it unsafe. And Thomas and I don't want to be the next Jon & Kate Plus 8, even though we're confident our marriage could handle it. ;-) So now I'm just waiting to hear from the nurse this afternoon what dose to give tonight and when to come back. Thomas continues to reassure me that Dr. Butler has yet to steer me wrong, so just relax and let him do his job. While that's true, it's still hard to not worry about things not going as they should or not at all. For now, I'm just going to try and enjoy my vacation and let things happen as they will!

Let's Get This Party Started

I started my period on Sunday, June 22nd, which was several days earlier than I thought it would be since there were only 24 active pills in my birth control pack. So yay for that! The nurse had told me if I started my period on Saturday or Sunday to come in on Monday morning. So I was at the office at 8 AM on Monday morning with a pit in my stomach because I was so worried the cysts would still be present on ultrasound. But my ovaries were clear and I had my bloodwork and went to work. The nurse called me that afternoon and said to give myself 75 units starting on Tuesday for 3 nights and come back into the office on Friday morning. This worked out perfectly since Friday was the first day of my 2 week vacation. The follicles on my ovaries were developing as they should (about 5 mm each) and the nurse told me later on in her phone call to keep taking 75 units per day and come back on Monday morning. So that's where I'm headed in the morning! Looking back at how we did things last time, there were 10 days between the start of the injections and the insemination procedure. If things go the same way this time, we're looking at doing the insemination later this week. But I'll find out for sure tomorrow as long as things are progressing as they should. Fingers crossed for follicle growth!

The Big D

Disappointment that is.

Negative Nellie post coming up! You've been warned!

I finished taking the Provera last Friday. I was expecting to start my period within 2-3 days, but I didn't start until this morning. I was actually relieved because that meant day 3 would fall on Friday when I'm working 8 hours in education and I could stop by the office before going to work. That way I wouldn't have to leave work and worry about someone holding my stuff. So, I called the Dr. Butler's office to let the nurse know I had started and to make sure I needed to come in on Friday. She was looking at the calendar and told me that the embryologist who's responsible for the sperm part of the insemination would be out of the office the week I would be due for the insemination, so they weren't scheduling any procedures. I had two options:

1.  Proceed with the injections and when it would normally be time for the insemination, we could try on our own

2.  Wait another month

*insert silence on my end of the phone call here*

I tried my very best to hold it together and not cry, but that wasn't happening. I'm sure she's used to emotional women on the phone, but I was really trying to be strong. Nope. I mean, I was just CRUSHED. I really didn't know what to say. She said I didn't have to decide today, but I'm thinking, "Is there really more than one option?" We can't afford to do the injections and then it not work because we didn't do the insemination. Some people actually only do the injections and then do the rest on their own. If insurance paid for it or we were loaded, maybe. But shelling out thousands of dollars and then not do everything in our power to increase our chances of it working is just not an option for us.

I mentioned how there were cysts present on the ultrasound I had two weeks ago and asked would they possibly still be there. She said they more than likely would and I'd have to go on birth control to make them go away like I did before we got pregnant with Amelia. I was sort of expecting this, but definitely not expecting being delayed because of scheduling.  So now the plan is to start taking birth control tonight. I'll take it for 28 days, wait for my period to start, then go in on day 3 as planned. But we all know what happens to best-laid plans...

I was in the office with my supervisor when I was on the phone and being the awesome person she is, she let me cry and listened and hugged me and helped me suck it up because I had to.

I know things will work out like they're supposed to and when they're supposed to. But patience is not one of my finest qualities. If this process teaches me anything, it's patience. And faith.

Pray that faith helps me to have patience.