A New Definition

I just thought I knew what disappointment was. I've been putting off writing this post for a few days now because it's a really hard one to write. And I haven't been in the best place emotionally to write it. I feel better today, so I think I'll give it a shot. Oh, and TMI WARNING!

Things were perfectly set up for us to have the insemination procedure on Tuesday morning. I gave myself the last Follistim injection on Saturday night and the Ovidrel injection on Sunday night. We had to be at the doctor's office at 9:30 on Tuesday morning with Thomas' sample. We dropped it off with the doctor in charge of getting it ready and went to breakfast at Panera Bread. We had to be back at 10:30 (36 hours from the time I took the Ovidrel...which causes you to ovulate). After sitting in the waiting room for a few minutes, Dr. Hawkins (Dr. Butler's newish partner) called us into her office. When we sat down, she said we had been presented with an unexpected challenge. I may have stopped breathing at this point. It turns out Thomas' sperm count was really, really low. Low enough that she didn't recommend doing the insemination procedure because it probably wouldn't work. I can't really remember what his actual count was, but it was a lot lower than it had been in 2010 when we got pregnant with Amelia. He hadn't been retested because the nurse said sperm counts don't usually fluctuate too much. False, apparently. The doctor asked Thomas several questions about his recent behavior (i.e. work out supplements, illness, fever, etc.) and they were all no. She recommended having another semen analysis in six weeks (!) and if the counts were still low, we would do more testing. She said since I had two good looking follicles, we could try on our own and hope for the best. She also said she could do the procedure, but she didn't feel it was good medicine to not tell us the poor odds and charge us for a procedure that may not work. So that means after the repeat analysis in six weeks and if everything looks okay, I'll have to do another round of injections. And another round of ultrasounds every few days. And possibly another month of birth control if the cysts come back.

Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED. I was trying really hard not to completely lose it in her office. Thomas asked if we could have a minute and she took us to another room so we could be alone. Except she took us to the room where the insemination would have taken place. I remember it from last time. She may not have thought about it, but good Lord. As soon as the door shut, the chest-heaving sobs started. We talked for a minute about when we could schedule the analysis and while he was at the desk making the appointment, I walked out of the office with my sunglasses on for fear of making eye contact with anyone. Especially the receptionist who just an hour earlier asked if we were excited and how she was excited for us. Once I got in the car, I called my mom and the full-on meltdown started. Chest-heaving sobs, huge tears, snotty nose. The Works. We talked for a few minutes...more like me crying, she was trying to console me. When we got back to the house, I got in the bed and slept for probably four hours. Sleeping doesn't require thoughts. When I got up, I tried to put a brave face on for Amelia, but it wasn't really working. She knew something was wrong and she kept trying to make me feel better. Bless her. I moped and cried for the rest of the night and woke up that way, too. I was pretty miserable yesterday and cried A LOT. I don't know how I had any tears left. I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. Pretty much everything reminded me that we weren't able to have the procedure. My mom said at one point, "I know you feel like something has died." And that's exactly how I felt. True, I wasn't pregnant yet and hadn't had a miscarriage, but we were so close. Two mature follicles and they were just going to die and be swept away. I know that probably sounds extreme, but that's how I felt.

I'm better today. I've been more active today and I've laughed. I haven't cried at all. Yet. I hope not to, but there's always the chance that something will make me. For now, I just have to be patient (again) and know that there's a bigger plan and it's all eventually going to fall into place. It is just SO HARD to accept that sometimes when you feel like everything has finally fallen into place and then it just slips away. So again, I'm asking for prayers for patience. Thanks for them and all the others you may have sent our way!

It's About That Time

Things looked great at Dr. Butler's office yesterday morning. Both of the follicles were continuing to grow and my uterine lining was nice and thick. Yay body for responding appropriately! As I was getting ready to leave, the nurse said, "You know, with two follicles coming down, there is that risk." As in risk for twins. I know this risk, but still. She said it's unlikely, but she wanted me to know it's a possibility. Yikes! Thomas is convinced we're having twins, but I really don't think that's going to happen. However, there was only one follicle when Amelia was conceived. So, we'll see.

When she called me later, she told me to take one more night of Follistim and to give myself the Ovidrel injection (which makes me ovulate 36 hours later) at 10:30 on Sunday night. We have to be at the office at 9:30 on Tuesday morning with Thomas' sample and return at 10:30 for the procedure. And then wait 2 weeks to take a pregnancy test!

You're Looking Good, Tiny Follicles!

I went back to Dr. Butler's office yesterday morning and I was pretty nervous that things were still slow-going. The follicles on the left ovary are still slow, but there were two of good size on the right ovary. One measuring about 10 mm and the other measuring about 14 mm. When the nurse called me yesterday afternoon, she told me my estrogen level had gone from 77 to 130 which "is wonderful." They had me increase my dose slightly to hopefully encourage one more follicle to grow and I have to go back tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be continued growth and we're getting closer to the insemination!